I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
