my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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