an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
