just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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