dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
40s are totally the cure
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
