I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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