He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
