I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
