I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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