bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
