dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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