Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
