I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
