I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
