i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Acid is not a monday night drug
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
