Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
