Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
