i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
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He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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