I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
MIDGETS
????
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
