There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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