So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
