at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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