it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He? As in you personified your dick?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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