at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
FUCK WHALES
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
