it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
