Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
