We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
