He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
