she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
