Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
