hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
