I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
a search helicopter?!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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