True but thats because hes a fetus.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
