doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i love accidental penises.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
