Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
