I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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