My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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