He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
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Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
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I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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