shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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