I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
