My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
