i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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