We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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