Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
