I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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