smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
