I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She told me I should be a condom model.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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