he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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