Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So drunk its hurt
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
