So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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