Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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