I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
