if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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