It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
