I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
