I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
