Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
