I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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