I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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