3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
